On My Mind

Such an early start to my day...

Dave crawled into bed at 4:20 this morning.  It was a late night/early morning at work for him.  He crawled into bed & I crawled out of bed. I couldn't fall back to sleep, I wanted to, but my mind said otherwise.

As I laid in bed, I couldn't stop thinking about my sweet niece, Alaina.  I think of her daily, but lately, I have thought of her a lot more throughout my days.  I don't know how Josh & Jaime do it.  I remember hugging my brother at Alaina's viewing & sobbing, completely saddened for them.  I also remember Josh telling me to not be sad for them.  How can you not be? Still to this day my heart hurts for all of them.  I miss Alaina.  I know I didn't "know" her like her parents & brothers knew her, but I am her aunt & I have loved her from the time I saw a picture of her when she was born, & I loved her even more when I got to meet her & hold her for the first time.  I wish I would have held her more & made more of an effort of knowing her.  I sure do miss her!

Death is such a "heavy" topic.  It's also a common topic.  It's something that happens ALL OF THE TIME.  Personally, I am afraid of death.  I know I shouldn't be.  It's a part of life.  But maybe, one day, when I feel "ready", I won't be afraid of it.  Losing a loved one always leaves a mark on my heart... (I can't think of any other way to describe it.)  There are people that I think of often when I think of death; my grandparents (too many to name individually); cousins, Jeremy & Cody; my brother in law, Tim; my nephew, Carson (Dirk & Dawn's son); my friend, Tyson; & my niece, Alaina.

How do you go on after you lose a loved one? I have had two miscarriages, & even miscarrying, it is still hard. You love that child from the time you find out you are pregnant, and then lose them while still pregnant, crushes you.  I know it's different, but it is still sad. I always wonder if it counts in Heaven... meaning, if I get to meet those children I have lost.  They are human, they have a heart beat, so will I get to raise them in Heaven? Or were they too young/early to count? I hope I'm not sounding morbid or that this isn't a weird subject to discuss.  This is something I wonder & have talked about with others.  I still do not know the answer to my question, but I'm sure one day I'll know.  Anyway, how do you go on after you lose a loved one?  How does Josh & Jaime do it? How do my in-laws do it? When they lost Tim, my mother in law was very inspiring, especially through the days of planning a funeral. She wasn't just planning for one funeral, but two funerals.  Grandma Harris (her mother) had passed away not even 24 hours before Tim's passing.  And to top that off, Grandpa Harris (her Father) had passed away a month and a half before that.  I don't think I ever told her how much I admired her strength through those tough times.  She had such a better insight on life & death, than I ever did.  I only had known Tim for a little over 2 years, before he passed.  It doesn't seem like that long of time, but I did grow to love him like he was my brother, & I miss him to this day.  I remember how devastating it was for Dave, to get that phone call & be told his "baby brother" had passed away.  It was a hard time in Dave's life (& also for the rest of his family), but we have & still are moving on.  It doesn't mean we forget about the people we lost. We just 'adjust' to it.  I'm sure one day it will be the same with Alaina.  I just miss her so much!

I wonder what it would be like to have her here.  I was so excited for Sophie to have a cousin that would be close to her in age. They are only 3 months apart.  I'm sure they knew each other in Heaven, & were great friends! I wish I would have taken a picture of them together. 

I hope Josh & Jaime know how much I truly admire them.  They are seriously amazing!  They are the type of people that you look at & and think "Wow! They are an eternal family." I mean this as a compliment to them.  They are examples of what a family is & should be like.  Josh is a wonderful husband to Jaime.  I've never heard him say ill things towards her or about her.  Jaime is a wonderful wife to Josh.  She puts up with his sarcasm & that says a lot! But, Josh & Jaime are amazing parents!  They LOVE their kids! They do things as a family all of the time.  They always put their kids first.  They teach them the importance of being a family, the Gospel, scripture study, prayer,  and all those things that do matter.  There is a spirit about them that makes me want to be a better person, & a better wife & mother.  I am grateful for them & for the strength they are to me.

I hope by writing this down it will ease my mind & calm my heart. I love my family so much! I want Dave to know how grateful I am for him.  He is so good to me. I love him more & more each day, & will continue to love him even more throughout eternity! My girls are my joy in life! They are so sweet & can turn a bad day into a good one, just by their giggles, or hugs & kisses. I cannot believe how fast they grow up.  Just this morning I was thinking about when it used to be just Dave & I, then when it was Dave, Lyvie & me, & then when it was Dave, Lyvie, Abi & me, & now it's Dave, Lyvie, Abi, Sophie & me!  Where did the time go? It's crazy how fast life goes by.  I wish I could go back & soak up more time with my children individually.  I am so blessed to have them.  I am grateful that they are mine & I am their mom.  I hope that they understand how much I love them! They are my world!