Feelings...

I'm not one to just write my feelings without a plan or purpose on why I am writing them.  But I think if I maybe just write my feelings out, it may in some way ease the feelings I am feeling in my heart. So here we go- my raw feelings.
These past few weeks I have been on the verge of tears. I cannot quite put my finger on it, and I cannot seem to focus.  My heart is so full of emotion right now.  Grateful, angry, confused, hopeful, depressed, anxious...you name it, it's there. My family has been through a bit these past few months, & maybe that is why I am feeling the way I do.  My sister's 8 year old son was diagnosed with a brain tumor on December 23nd, 2010.  He had it removed on Christmas Eve.  He then went back in for a second surgery to remove the remainder of the tumor that was left unseen.  The only way it was found was a few weeks before surgery number 2, Tanya went in to wake him up for school.  She noticed he was breathing heavy and his face was covered with his pillow.  When she moved the pillow she found him seizing.  She called and spoke with the on call neurologist at Primary Children's, & they told her that is was common to have patients who just had brain surgery to have seizures.  The brain was just shifting back to normal & that is why he seized.  He stayed home & they waited for the surgeon to call them when he got to the office that day.  About 3 hours later he went into his second seizure.  My sister called 911 & he was rushed by ambulance to the local hospital.  A CT scan was done & the results seemed alright.  They mentioned that they needed to keep an eye on a pocket of fluid, but other than that, it looked good.  So the next week they met with his surgeon for his post op visit. My sister then asked the doctor about the pocket of fluid they were supposed to watch.  So they took a look at the CT scan that was done at the hospital, & that's when they found the remainder of the tumor that was left behind.  So, on February 7th, Jaren had his second brain surgery & had the remainder of the tumor removed.  And the day Jaren got home from the hospital was the same day I received a call that my niece, Alaina was in the ER trying to be revived.  She passed away a few hours later. Since then, my heart has been heavy. I don't know why I am writing all of this.  I don't know why I feel so uneasy about it all.  For some reason I keep thinking it's not over, that there is something else that is going to happen.  You hear all the time that bad things come in threes.  What is bad thing #3? What if this is true? What if there is another "bad" thing about to happen or will happen in 2011?  How can I ease these feelings and feel some sigh of relief?
We've started reading our scriptures as a family this week.  We made it a goal a few weeks ago, but never have actually started it until this week.  Watching my sister, Tanya, & my brother, Josh, & their families go through what they have gone through has really opened my eyes.  Both of my siblings are very spiritual.  They are "in-tune" with the spirit.  They seem to find comfort in these trials that they have experienced.  Why can't I find comfort? Why am I so unsettled? I hate that I am not focused lately! I have really been struggling.  I want the spirit in my home. I want to feel like things are "okay." I want the reassurance. The uncertainty of things is scary to me. I feel like everything is out of control.  I am really hoping this writing my feelings down will help.  I am hoping that I will start to feel better & be able to move on & focus without feeling like I am going to crumble.