January: Dave

Where did January go? Not that I am complaining.  I am not a fan of the first 3 months of the year.  Although, this year has not been too bad.  I think it's because the weather is usually cold, wet, & snowy; but this year, I dare say, it's been opposite.  I have not felt depressed at all & I am actually loving the mild winter we are having.  

Dave would say that January is his FAVORITE month.  Only because it's winter & his birthday.  He and I are so opposite in so many things, but for some reason, it's what makes our marriage. 

This year, Dave started USU again.  He decided it was time to get his Masters degree.  I am excited and nervous for him! He does so well in school & I do not doubt him at all.  I am grateful for him & for his decision to go back to school.  To think that someday he will not have to work 2 jobs to provide for us; that he can someday work just 1 job.  This makes me so excited for our future.  Sure he will be busy, but we'll finally get to have our weekends together with him.  I cannot wait! 

Dave also had his 30th birthday!!!  He didn't want to make a big deal out of it, so we had family come over on his birthday for some cake & ice cream.  That weekend I took him on an overnight stay in Park City.  On our way, I took him to the Auto Expo in Sandy.  He LOVES cars! It didn't seem as exciting as it had been the last time we went.  But, he did enjoy it.  We decided to go eat at the Cheesecake Factory.  Neither one of us had eaten there.  I went in with not that high of expectations.  I figured people just talked it up and it was not going to be anything fabulous.  Boy, was I wrong.  It was delicious! The food was amazing & the cheesecake was DIVINE!!!!  We then headed up to Park City to stay at the Newpark Hotel & Resort.  I love this hotel.  I have only been one other time.  Our room had it's very own kitchen & a hot tub on the balcony.  The room is just nice & cozy.  It was so nice to get away for the night...just the two of us.  Park City is it's own little world.  It's a wonderland & we love going there! The next day we went and shopped at the Nike Outlet and got us some new workout shoes & clothes.  We then went and had a couples massage.  Can you say RELAXING!  Before we headed home, we ate at Kneaders.  Another yummy place.  I hated to see Dave's birthday weekend come to an end, but we both were anxious to get back home and see our cute girlies.  

I just want Dave to know how much I do love him. It's crazy to think that he's already 30!  I remember when he turned 25, & I freaked out then.  Now that he is 30, I freak out even more! ha.  He doesn't say much about how he feels about turning 30, but I think just a little inside it makes him panic.  Anyway, he ages well.  I think he's more handsome than he was at age 22, when we got married.  He's wiser too! :)  I love & appreciate him SO much! He is such a good dad & is always making sure that the girls are happy & that he gets time to spend with them.  He works so hard! Some people think he is crazy for working 2 jobs & going to school.  But, you do what you got to do.  One day it will all be worth it.  I love this man more & more every day! He is so good to me & the girls.  Sure we have our differences, but he is so very forgiving & so encouraging.  He gives me confidence & makes me feel beautiful! I love that when we're apart, he misses me.  And I love that when we're together, he wants to be near me. 

Happy Birthday, Honey! 30 looks GREAT on you!

New Year = New Me

Happy New Year! I cannot believe we are in the year 2012. When I was younger (middle school age), I remember thinking we would never hit 2012.  I figured by then, the Second Coming would be here.  That seemed like only a few years ago, when in reality it was over 15+ years ago.  I also thought if we made it to 2012, that we would be living in a world like the cartoon, The Jetsons.  Although, we haven't reached the "Jetson Era" yet, I do believe that one day we will.  Maybe by then I will be dead or the Second Coming will be here.
I miss life when it used to be so simple.  I miss when you could go play outside all day & not worry about being kidnapped.  I really have a hard time letting my own children go outside unless I am out there with them.  I have fond memories of playing "make believe" with my siblings.  Part of my childhood, I grew up in Morgan, & we had a big yard to play in.  I remember playing "The Boxcar Children" (Anyone remember that book series?) and playing it all day long! I also remember playing barbies, house & school.  My sister was ALWAYS the teacher.  I remember riding bikes all day long.  Our yard was so much fun! It was surrounded in trees, so we always were using our imagination.  I miss that so much! I still see kids play "make believe", but it isn't what it used to be.  My own daughter, rather play computer games or the Wii, or play an app on my iPod or her sisters iPad, than play with her barbies or dolls.  It's really frustrating.  I often question myself & wonder if Dave & I did this to her.  I miss when there were no cell phones, no internet, no computers. Back then, computers were only for schools or businesses. Handwritten reports were okay if you didn't have a typewriter or computer.  We would go to the library and actually research books & files to do our reports.  Now you can get on the computer & search the internet for anything you are looking for.  You can copy, paste, & print just by the click of a button. I'm not going to lie, it is convenient. There was no such things as an iPod, iPad, iTunes, text messaging, instant messaging, Twitter, Facebook, email etc. You see more people failing school or failing life just because of these silly techy things.  People can be really lazy when it comes to technology.  They no longer want to succeed in their education or life. They rather sit and surf the internet, play video games, or watch tv.  They are so caught up in the technology world than their own real life.  Believe me, I have caught myself numerous of times wasting time on the computer. I will go and look at one thing, and then 4 hours later wonder what the heck I have been doing.  I wasted so much time; Time I could have spent playing with my darlings, or cleaning, or reading a good book, or exercising, or serving others, or studying up on my religious beliefs.  I know I am not the only one that feels this way.  I am hoping if I admit my problem, I will be able to fix it. :)
There is good that comes from all the technology; without it, we wouldn't be where we are today.  I am grateful for the technologies that are used in the medical field. We would see a lot more people sick or dieing, if there was no technology.  I'm grateful for technology, because we are able to reunite with family & friends that we lost touch with or had no idea how to find them.  There is much good from technology, I just feel we get lost in the unnecessary things that it has to offer.  What ever happened to calling someone on the phone & having an actual conversation? It drives me crazy that text messaging is the only way to communicate, or even instant messaging or email.  I find it odd.  I think people don't know how to interact socially or face to face anymore because of these things.
I am grateful that there are devices out there that can help my daughter who has special needs.  There are so many awesome devices, equipment, apps out there that can help the special needs community.  I owe that thanks to technology. I do not hate that technology has benefited my daughter tremendously.
So as you see, I have a love/hate relationship with technology.  I find it fascinating and yet, deceiving!  I'm sure some of you are wondering why I wrote this post.  Well, I am writing this in hopes that it may help me have better judgement with my time & my life.  I am setting a goal to spend less time on the computer (facebook especially) & more time enjoying my beautiful family and life, and all it has to offer.  I am not pulling the plug on facebook or technology, but, I am going to try and prioritize.  Family comes first.  At night, when my children are in bed, and I have nothing else to do, then I will surf the net. But I am going to find the "NEW ME" that I like & enjoy my life more because of it.  Life is too short. Time is too fast. The older I get, the faster it goes.  I challenge you to find a balance in your life & spend more time with the ones you love and less time doing unnecessary things.

On My Mind

Such an early start to my day...

Dave crawled into bed at 4:20 this morning.  It was a late night/early morning at work for him.  He crawled into bed & I crawled out of bed. I couldn't fall back to sleep, I wanted to, but my mind said otherwise.

As I laid in bed, I couldn't stop thinking about my sweet niece, Alaina.  I think of her daily, but lately, I have thought of her a lot more throughout my days.  I don't know how Josh & Jaime do it.  I remember hugging my brother at Alaina's viewing & sobbing, completely saddened for them.  I also remember Josh telling me to not be sad for them.  How can you not be? Still to this day my heart hurts for all of them.  I miss Alaina.  I know I didn't "know" her like her parents & brothers knew her, but I am her aunt & I have loved her from the time I saw a picture of her when she was born, & I loved her even more when I got to meet her & hold her for the first time.  I wish I would have held her more & made more of an effort of knowing her.  I sure do miss her!

Death is such a "heavy" topic.  It's also a common topic.  It's something that happens ALL OF THE TIME.  Personally, I am afraid of death.  I know I shouldn't be.  It's a part of life.  But maybe, one day, when I feel "ready", I won't be afraid of it.  Losing a loved one always leaves a mark on my heart... (I can't think of any other way to describe it.)  There are people that I think of often when I think of death; my grandparents (too many to name individually); cousins, Jeremy & Cody; my brother in law, Tim; my nephew, Carson (Dirk & Dawn's son); my friend, Tyson; & my niece, Alaina.

How do you go on after you lose a loved one? I have had two miscarriages, & even miscarrying, it is still hard. You love that child from the time you find out you are pregnant, and then lose them while still pregnant, crushes you.  I know it's different, but it is still sad. I always wonder if it counts in Heaven... meaning, if I get to meet those children I have lost.  They are human, they have a heart beat, so will I get to raise them in Heaven? Or were they too young/early to count? I hope I'm not sounding morbid or that this isn't a weird subject to discuss.  This is something I wonder & have talked about with others.  I still do not know the answer to my question, but I'm sure one day I'll know.  Anyway, how do you go on after you lose a loved one?  How does Josh & Jaime do it? How do my in-laws do it? When they lost Tim, my mother in law was very inspiring, especially through the days of planning a funeral. She wasn't just planning for one funeral, but two funerals.  Grandma Harris (her mother) had passed away not even 24 hours before Tim's passing.  And to top that off, Grandpa Harris (her Father) had passed away a month and a half before that.  I don't think I ever told her how much I admired her strength through those tough times.  She had such a better insight on life & death, than I ever did.  I only had known Tim for a little over 2 years, before he passed.  It doesn't seem like that long of time, but I did grow to love him like he was my brother, & I miss him to this day.  I remember how devastating it was for Dave, to get that phone call & be told his "baby brother" had passed away.  It was a hard time in Dave's life (& also for the rest of his family), but we have & still are moving on.  It doesn't mean we forget about the people we lost. We just 'adjust' to it.  I'm sure one day it will be the same with Alaina.  I just miss her so much!

I wonder what it would be like to have her here.  I was so excited for Sophie to have a cousin that would be close to her in age. They are only 3 months apart.  I'm sure they knew each other in Heaven, & were great friends! I wish I would have taken a picture of them together. 

I hope Josh & Jaime know how much I truly admire them.  They are seriously amazing!  They are the type of people that you look at & and think "Wow! They are an eternal family." I mean this as a compliment to them.  They are examples of what a family is & should be like.  Josh is a wonderful husband to Jaime.  I've never heard him say ill things towards her or about her.  Jaime is a wonderful wife to Josh.  She puts up with his sarcasm & that says a lot! But, Josh & Jaime are amazing parents!  They LOVE their kids! They do things as a family all of the time.  They always put their kids first.  They teach them the importance of being a family, the Gospel, scripture study, prayer,  and all those things that do matter.  There is a spirit about them that makes me want to be a better person, & a better wife & mother.  I am grateful for them & for the strength they are to me.

I hope by writing this down it will ease my mind & calm my heart. I love my family so much! I want Dave to know how grateful I am for him.  He is so good to me. I love him more & more each day, & will continue to love him even more throughout eternity! My girls are my joy in life! They are so sweet & can turn a bad day into a good one, just by their giggles, or hugs & kisses. I cannot believe how fast they grow up.  Just this morning I was thinking about when it used to be just Dave & I, then when it was Dave, Lyvie & me, & then when it was Dave, Lyvie, Abi & me, & now it's Dave, Lyvie, Abi, Sophie & me!  Where did the time go? It's crazy how fast life goes by.  I wish I could go back & soak up more time with my children individually.  I am so blessed to have them.  I am grateful that they are mine & I am their mom.  I hope that they understand how much I love them! They are my world!

Happy Mother's Day

Some Mothers Get Babies With Something More
Lori Borgman | Monday, May 12, 2002 

 

 My friend is expecting her first child. People keep asking what she wants. She smiles demurely, shakes her head and gives the answer mothers have given throughout the ages of time. She says it doesn't matter whether it's a boy or a girl. She just wants it to have ten fingers and ten toes. Of course, that's what she says. That's what mothers have always said. Mothers lie. 

Truth be told, every mother wants a whole lot more. Every mother wants a perfectly healthy baby with a round head, rosebud lips, button nose, beautiful eyes and satin skin.

Every mother wants a baby so gorgeous that people will pity the Gerber baby for being flat-out ugly. 

Every mother wants a baby that will roll over, sit up and take those first steps right on schedule (according to the baby development chart on page 57, column two). 

Every mother wants a baby that can see, hear, run, jump and fire neurons by the billions. She wants a kid that can smack the ball out of the park and do toe points that are the envy of the entire ballet class. 

Call it greed if you want, but we mothers want what we want. Some mothers get babies with something more. 

Some mothers get babies with conditions they can't pronounce, a spine that didn't fuse, a missing chromosome or a palette that didn't close. 

Most of those mothers can remember the time, the place, the shoes they were wearing and the color of the walls in the small, suffocating room where the doctor uttered the words that took their breath away. It felt like recess in the fourth grade when you didn't see the kick ball coming and it knocked the wind clean out of you. 

Some mothers leave the hospital with a healthy bundle, then, months, even years later, take him in for a routine visit, or schedule her for a well check, and crash head first into a brick wall as they bear the brunt of devastating news. It can't be possible! That doesn't run in our family. Can this really be happening in our lifetime? I am a woman who watches the Olympics for the sheer thrill of seeing finely sculpted bodies. It's not a lust thing; it's a wondrous thing. The athletes appear as specimens without flaw - rippling muscles with nary an ounce of flab or fat, virtual powerhouses of strength with lungs and limbs working in perfect harmony. Then the athlete walks over to a tote bag, rustles through the contents and pulls out an inhaler. 

As I've told my own kids, be it on the way to physical therapy after a third knee surgery, or on a trip home from an echo cardiogram, there's no such thing as a perfect body. 

Everybody will bear something at some time or another. Maybe the affliction will be apparent to curious eyes, or maybe it will be unseen, quietly treated with trips to the doctor, medication or surgery. The health problems our children have experienced have been minimal and manageable, so I watch with keen interest and great admiration the mothers of children with serious disabilities, and wonder how they do it. Frankly, sometimes you mothers scare me. How you lift that child in and out of a wheelchair 20 times a day. 

How you monitor tests, track medications, regulate diet and serve as the gatekeeper to a hundred specialists hammering in your ear. 

I wonder how you endure the clichés and the platitudes, well-intentioned souls explaining how God is at work when you've occasionally questioned if God is on strike. 

I even wonder how you endure schmaltzy pieces like this one -- saluting you, painting you as hero and saint, when you know you're ordinary. You snap, you bark, you bite. You didn't volunteer for this. You didn't jump up and down in the motherhood line yelling, "Choose me, God! Choose me! I've got what it takes." You're a woman who doesn't have time to step back and put things in perspective, so, please, let me do it for you. 

From where I sit, you're way ahead of the pack. You've developed the strength of a draft horse while holding onto the delicacy of a daffodil. You have a heart that melts like chocolate in a glove box in July, carefully counter-balanced against the stubbornness of an Ozark mule. 

You can be warm and tender one minute, and when circumstances require intense and aggressive the next. You are the mother, advocate and protector of a child with a disability. 

You're a neighbor, a friend, a stranger I pass at the mall. You're the woman I sit next to at church, my cousin and my sister-in-law. 

You're a woman who wanted ten fingers and ten toes, and got something more. You're a wonder.

Welcome to Holland

First of all, I just want to say how truly blessed I am! I am blessed with such wonderful friends & family!  It's amazing to have their love & support.

The last 3 years have been quite the ride; Something that you're not quite sure what's going to happen next.  We have had to put our complete trust & faith in Heavenly Father.  I am not going to lie, there have been times where even then I have questioned Him. But, this I do know, He has His hand in all things.

Abi is such a special SPECIAL little girl! She's opened my eyes to a whole new world that I was missing.  With that being said... I read this story & cried.  I completely understand. It has touched my heart.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandt's.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

The many faces of Sophie...

I'm so cute!

I got caught!

Help me!

Stink face!

I'm so HAPPY!!!

Lyvie

This little girl, is growing up so fast.  I cannot believe I have a 5-1/2 year old.  Where has the time gone?

I want to brag about Olyvia for just a moment.  I am so lucky to have her.  She is so funny & brings so much spunk into our home.  Lyvie loves to help me clean & cook.  This is hard for me, cause I like things done my way, & it's hard to have someone other than me help-in Lyvie's case, with the tasks I do daily.  But, she is pretty good at it.  She's so independent.  The other day she came up the stairs & told me she had just changed Abi's poopy bum.  I was surprised that she changed a poopy diaper.  She is good at changing a wet one, but I have never let her change anything but that.  So, when I went downstairs to investigate... I found that she had done a fine job.  Abi's diaper was on just right.  There was no trace of pooh on hands or carpet.
This past week, without any arguing, she has gotten herself dressed, makes her bed, brushes her teeth & combs her hair.  It's usually a battle to get her out of her jammies.  She likes to be comfy.  She is growing up.  She likes to make Abi's & Sophie's beds, & usually sneaks into my room & makes my bed too.  She loves to help dress the two youngest & tries to do their hair. 
Her favorite thing as of right now, is to play "school."  Of coarse, she's the teacher.  Each morning she gets out a dry erase board with activity sheets on it & teaches Abi & Sophie the alphabet & their sounds.  Yesterday they learned the letter "F".  She wants to learn to play the piano & loves to sing.  She's taking dance, but I don't think she enjoys it all too much.  Every week it's a battle to get her to go.  She says she doesn't want to go cause it's too hard & she doesn't want to dance in front of an audience when they have their recital.  But by the time I pick her up from dance, she tells me it was a good day! I guess we'll see if she wants to take dance again. She's in her second year of preschool & is doing great.  She is very ready to go to kindergarten & cannot wait to go.  She can't decide if she rather be in Grandma's school or Daddy's school.   She's learning to read & can sound out words pretty well.  She loves to draw.  She's quite the artist & we have piles & piles of drawings from her.  She's my best eater & loves fruits & vegetables.  Her favorite food is Taco Time burritos (whether we go there or make them ourselves), Panda Express, or chicken & mashed potatoes & gravy.  She loves having game/movie nights. 
She reminds us that we need to go to church, say our prayers & read our scriptures.  She loves having Family Home Evening, & can't wait for Monday night to come. :) Her prayers are so cute & she is so mindful of others & to pray for them.  She has so much faith.  And is very smart when it comes to learning about the Gospel.
Her dad is the apple of her eye! He makes everything better.  She likes it when we go visit family.  Especially if dad takes her out to help feed the cows with  Grandpa Richards. This means she gets to help drive the truck.

 I love Lyvie so much! She keeps me on my toes & there is never a dull moment with her around.  I'm proud of the girl she is.  She is a good example to her sisters & also me.  I am glad she is mine!

EEG & MRI

On February 25th, Dave & I took Abi down to Primary Children's Medical Center to visit with her Neurologist, Dr. Lloyd.  She's started having an increase in seizures.  We also were seeing a change in her behavior. 

Not so sure about the head wrap.

Abi had an EEG done & then a quick visit with Dr. Lloyd.  Her results show that she no longer is having Infantile Spasms.  The hypsarrhythmia that normally shows up on her EEG's is no longer there.  Dr. Lloyd said this was the best EEG he has seen of Abi's.  He diagnosed her of having Complex Partial Seizures.  He increased her Rx & is hopeful this will control the seizures.  He couldn't tell us why she had those "drop seizure" episodes.

When Abi has her "normal" seizure, there is a pattern.  She usually will come find Dave or I and grab a hold of our leg when she feels it coming on.  Or we can see that one is coming just by the look on her face.  Her seizures start out really light.  We notice her lip will quiver and the left side of her body will stiffen.  This gradually gets harder and more intense.  She hits a climax where her seizure is really intense & exhausting for both her & I.  She folds at the waist while her entire left side stiffens.  Her left eye winks & she lets out heavy sighs.  They come in clusters, so she has about a 10 to 15 second break in between.  Slowly the seizure weakens & tapers off to nothing.  She then is back to herself & goes on with her day. She is usually tired after, & sometimes will fall asleep.  But, Miss Abi is a busy body & does not stop going.  These seizures can last anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour. 

A few days before we seen Dr. L, Abi had had her "normal" seizure.  When she is finished having it, she usually gets back to doing what she was doing before they even start.  This she did.  But, not too long after, I noticed Abi fall head first to the floor.  So I ran over to her & held her to see if she was going into another seizure.  Nothing happened, so I let her get up & start going.  As I was walking back to the kitchen, I noticed Abi following me.  I caught her just in time before her head hit the tile-  Another "drop seizure" happened.  About 15 minutes later, I got her into the tub.  I was just about to take her out when Abi stood up, which she never stands up in the tub & dropped again.  There is no pattern to drop seizures. As I was getting Abi dressed after her bath.  She seemed fine.  She started playing, & then dropped.  So I held her to make sure nothing is coming on.  NOTHING.  So, back to playing & she drops again.  This was so frustrating for Dave & I . She got to a point that she wouldn't even walk, cause every time she would get up, she'd drop.  We had Jared, my brother come over & help give Abi a blessing.  She slept like a log that night.  The next day, it happened again, but this time she only dropped twice.  So, we were hoping that the Dr. could tell us why she was having the "dropping" episodes, but there is no answer. Since then, there have been no other "drop seizures" occur.  It still concerns me.  Especially when she is at school.  I hate not being there when she has a seizure.  

Feeling a little "drunk"....

A week after Abi had her EEG, she had an MRI done.  We were concerned with Abi throwing these tantrums where she would scream & hit her head for about an hour.  Her MRI came back with no new surprises on them.  It was our first time to actually speak to the Radiologist though.  That was nice.  He explained to us exactly what was going on with Abi's brain.  We already knew what was going on, but it was nice to actually have someone speak in our language & to hear it again & understand completely.


So, an update on Abi as of today.  Her seizures are still daily.  The increase in her Keppra has not helped.  She is more agitated & aggressive.  She hits more & screams more.  She does have her good days though.  She says new words daily.  Sometimes we only hear her say them once or twice, but other times they stick.  I do think we need to try a new medicine or new route as to why she still is having the one seizure sneak in everyday.  She did have a few days where she had 4+ seizures a day.  That could be because of the weather & the barometric pressure and also she had the flu.  But usually she has a seizure a day. 

 I am proud to be her mom! I love her so much & she really has blessed my life! 

Feelings...

I'm not one to just write my feelings without a plan or purpose on why I am writing them.  But I think if I maybe just write my feelings out, it may in some way ease the feelings I am feeling in my heart. So here we go- my raw feelings.
These past few weeks I have been on the verge of tears. I cannot quite put my finger on it, and I cannot seem to focus.  My heart is so full of emotion right now.  Grateful, angry, confused, hopeful, depressed, anxious...you name it, it's there. My family has been through a bit these past few months, & maybe that is why I am feeling the way I do.  My sister's 8 year old son was diagnosed with a brain tumor on December 23nd, 2010.  He had it removed on Christmas Eve.  He then went back in for a second surgery to remove the remainder of the tumor that was left unseen.  The only way it was found was a few weeks before surgery number 2, Tanya went in to wake him up for school.  She noticed he was breathing heavy and his face was covered with his pillow.  When she moved the pillow she found him seizing.  She called and spoke with the on call neurologist at Primary Children's, & they told her that is was common to have patients who just had brain surgery to have seizures.  The brain was just shifting back to normal & that is why he seized.  He stayed home & they waited for the surgeon to call them when he got to the office that day.  About 3 hours later he went into his second seizure.  My sister called 911 & he was rushed by ambulance to the local hospital.  A CT scan was done & the results seemed alright.  They mentioned that they needed to keep an eye on a pocket of fluid, but other than that, it looked good.  So the next week they met with his surgeon for his post op visit. My sister then asked the doctor about the pocket of fluid they were supposed to watch.  So they took a look at the CT scan that was done at the hospital, & that's when they found the remainder of the tumor that was left behind.  So, on February 7th, Jaren had his second brain surgery & had the remainder of the tumor removed.  And the day Jaren got home from the hospital was the same day I received a call that my niece, Alaina was in the ER trying to be revived.  She passed away a few hours later. Since then, my heart has been heavy. I don't know why I am writing all of this.  I don't know why I feel so uneasy about it all.  For some reason I keep thinking it's not over, that there is something else that is going to happen.  You hear all the time that bad things come in threes.  What is bad thing #3? What if this is true? What if there is another "bad" thing about to happen or will happen in 2011?  How can I ease these feelings and feel some sigh of relief?
We've started reading our scriptures as a family this week.  We made it a goal a few weeks ago, but never have actually started it until this week.  Watching my sister, Tanya, & my brother, Josh, & their families go through what they have gone through has really opened my eyes.  Both of my siblings are very spiritual.  They are "in-tune" with the spirit.  They seem to find comfort in these trials that they have experienced.  Why can't I find comfort? Why am I so unsettled? I hate that I am not focused lately! I have really been struggling.  I want the spirit in my home. I want to feel like things are "okay." I want the reassurance. The uncertainty of things is scary to me. I feel like everything is out of control.  I am really hoping this writing my feelings down will help.  I am hoping that I will start to feel better & be able to move on & focus without feeling like I am going to crumble.

In Loving Memory:

Alaina Lynn Jaques
(October 4, 2010 - February 12, 2011) 

Our beautiful baby girl, Alaina Lynn Jaques, “Hootie”, returned to the loving arms of her Heavenly Father on Saturday, February 12, 2011.

She was born October 4, 2010 to her loving parents, Joshua Adam and Jaime Lynn Wilhelmsen Jaques.
She brought so much joy and love in the short time we had with her and will forever live in our hearts.
Alaina is survived by her parents, two brothers, Carsen and Garrett; grandparents, W. Grover and Diana Wilhelmsen, Harrisville; Jim and Teresa Jaques, Tremonton; great-grandparents, Genoa K. Wilhelmsen, Dee L. Jaques, Ruth Ann Angeli; and many aunts, uncles and cousins.
The family wishes to express sincere appreciation to the emergency room medical staff at Davis Hospital, EMT’s and all others that helped her.
We love you, Hootie, and miss you. We anxiously await when we are together again.
Funeral services will be held Thursday, February 17th at 11 a.m. at Lindquist’s Roy Mortuary, 3333 West 5600 South.
The family will meet with friends on Wednesday from 6 to 8 p.m. and Thursday from 9:45 to 10:45 a.m. at the mortuary.
Interment, Clinton City Cemetery.